"CR7"

8 December 2025

90s

For GOAT's sake.

How far will Cristiano Ronaldo go to become the greatest of all time? Move to Saudi Arabia in a bid to reach a thousand career goals? Check. Invest in an AI startup and get it to make a whole 90" commercial based on his CV? Check. If it's modesty, self-awareness, or practical use of artificial intelligence you're after, you're shit out of luck.

The Portugal and Al-Nassr forward's too busy to grace us with his presence, but we hear all about him from two kids who worship the ground he walks on. So what if an unnamed Argentine rival (*cough* Lionel Messi *cough*) won a World Cup? Not only did Ronaldo score a header in the 2008 Champions League final, he won the Premier League Golden Boot and the Ballon d'Or that year, too. And it goes on and on and on like this.

We're then 'treated' to Ronaldo's 'Siuuu' celebration, which stumps the owner of a nearby snack van. When he asks the advertised search engine about it, he's told it's "iconic" as if Ronaldo's got a gun pointed at the poor AI. If you're the kind of person who buys CR7 aftershave, underwear, et cetera, you can also pretend to make the man proud through inane prompts.

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